| i'm just so afraid you're always judging me.
so i become that crazy man, standing on the street corner,
obsessing, holding a sign,
screaming "don't judge me, man"
i don't know that you're not.
i just know i think you are.
just gimme some cash
a nickel or dime will help
just don't judge me, man. |
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| in the wonderful world of relationships where sometimes each guy seems worse than the last, i'm finally coming to a point where i'm realizing that being single isn't really so bad. here i am, married at age 22 and absolutely despising it and all i can think about is all those times in high school that i dreamt about being married-being someone's wife, baking and doing laundry and the dishes and coming home to that one person you are always checking in with, who always wants to know where you are. somehow or another i thought that was the same thing as comfort and security, but it's not. it's monotony and it, above all, isn't really me.
i see a lot of girls who are married and are gloriously, deleriously happy. i envy them. at times i loathe them. i haven't been happy since week one, kids. two years have almost lapsed and i just keep thinking "when does it start getting good?" each new set of youngsters that gets engaged embitters me a little bit more. i put on a fake smile when they tell me, in their voices that have just barely stopped cracking at the high notes "i'm getting married this summer! isn't that great?" all the while, my head is screaming "don't do it, don't do it! you'll regret this forever!"
i know they won't. it's just me. incapable of settling down, of winding down, of finding time to enjoy whatever it is that is supposed to be fun about bad sex, dirty laundry, cooking for two and exes who wish they had all that you have.
part of me always used to think that i was worthless unless someone was loving me. since i started dating at age 16 i pretty much went straight from one boyfriend to another, and i thought that was the only way to live. i no longer feel that way. i am happy with who i am and the places my life could take me, if only i, like pinocchio, had no strings to hold me down. deep down, i just wonder if we wouldn't both be happier apart.
that's why, this time, for once, i'm not choosing this boy versus that boy. i'm choosing me. |
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| sometimes i just want to stand on top of a mountain and scream obscenities.
now is one of those times. |
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| aaaand today it was 80 and i got sun burnt.
we make weather here in oklahoma. i love it. |
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| i really wish it would actually snow here. i never thought i'd ever say this, but i really really miss snow. ohio got a whole bunch of snow last night and i wish i had been there, snowed in with my friends. here it's just cold...without anything pretty to compensate for it. has it even really snowed at all this season here? we got the big ice storm, which was surreal...worst ice i have ever seen in my entire life, but where is all the snow?! |
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